Category: Malaysia

Support Groups Work Regardless of the Type of Group. Many people in the world of addiction and recovery will espouse one support group or another. There are those who feel strongly enough about this to make the case that we can only get sober with one particular support group. I know form my experience and from watching countless others go through rehab and recovery, that some kind of support system is essential. But does it really matter which one we choose?

My first contact with the recovery community was through 12 step. I am not here to disparage or encourage 12 step. I simply want to point out that I encountered a number of people in 12 step who made the case that I had to embrace the 12 step sober community or I would surely fail in my recovery. That turned out to be not true.

While it is only natural that people will grasp onto the sober community they first make contact with. It should not prevent anyone from searching around to find other support groups. There are many. What matters is that you find a sober support network. It is a fact that recovery does depend in part on the support of others. In turn, your recovery depends on offering support. It turns out that some amount of giving is necessary for getting.

An important study by the University of California tracked hundreds of people as they entered into rehab and recovery. They were particularly interested in those who attempted to stay sober on their own versus those who made use of a sober support group. Included in these support groups were 12 step programs, SMART Recovery, and Life Ring, to name just a few.  They followed them at 6 and 12 month intervals. What they found was that those who availed themselves of a support group stayed sober longer, and with more people remaining sober for over a year, than those who went it alone.

There are two features which stand out in this. First, a sober support group simply makes for a more effective and far-reaching recovery. It is simple. Those who work with a support group make it. Those who go it alone tend to return to substance abuse. Second, contrary to the opinions of those few who claim one group is superior over another, this study shows that it really does not matter what group you work with. What matters is that you use a support group.

Addiction is isolating enough. We should not expect to get better on our own. It just goes against common sense. It is one thing to get behind recovery in the early days when we clearly remember how bad life is while we are using. And it is more difficult to hang onto the immediacy of those feelings six months down the road. The further we get from the suffering, the more likely we will stumble. Having a group of people who are engaged in the same struggles, who have been through similar things, and who may need us will only help as we spend our lives drug and alcohol free.

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The Question of the Future of Recovery. Just about anyone who is new to recovery wonders how they will ever be able to go the rest of their lives without indulging in some kind of substance. I could not imagine how I was going to spend the rest of my life without drinking at some point. In my early experiences in 12 step meetings (something I am do not do anymore) I heard people talk about deceased “old-timers” and how he or she died sober. I thought that sounded like the most dismal thought I could think of.

The Idea Of Forever

The first thing I had to do was dispense with this idea of “forever”. We cannot even conceive of what this means in the first place. The rest of my life is completely abstract and unknowable. In my earliest days and weeks in recovery I focused on the smallest form of the present tense I could conjure. If that meant breaking life into one hour increments, then that was the way it had to be.

One Day At A Time

I know this sounds like the AA slogan of “one day at a time”. But it was really a coping mechanism. It is something I learned from working with mindfulness meditation ideas, and this I learned from another person who had been sober much longer than I. I found that the need to manage, or attempt to manage, things that were beyond me was something that drove my desire to drink and use drugs. As I learned to let go of this micro-managing of the unknown, I became calmer more generally.

Little by little I stopped thinking about not drinking for the rest of my life. In fact, I got to a point where I told myself that the day may come when I do drink. It just will not be today. I was sure of that much. And in the earliest days of recovery I knew I could promise myself I would not drink in the next two hours.

Illusion of Control

Letting go of the illusion of control is a central feature of mindfulness and it has been a crucial practice in staying sober. Mindfulness training teaches us to allow thoughts and feelings to come to us without assigning judgment to these thoughts and feelings. This necessarily means releasing the notion that I can control things that have not even happened yet. I could certainly point to a lot of bad outcomes form my past. But I had no real knowledge of my future.

Future of Recovery

Taking on ideas which involve managing long-term prospects over which I have little to no control is defeating. This is actually defeating to anyone. It is lethal to someone with a substance abuse problem. With several years of sobriety behind me now. I have learned to dismiss these notions of “forever” and “the rest of my life”. I do not know what those things even mean. Again, I am confident that I will not drink or use drugs today. This allows me to just seem myself as a recovering person rather than someone who needs to fight off the desire to drink every day.

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The Art of the Apology – Make Amends: This is part-two of a two-part series.

You Recognize That You Need To Repair Broken Relationships

Usually, when people get into recovery, they feel the most regret over the way they treated people. Whether they stole from family members, cheated on a spouse, disappointed their children, or behaved badly toward an employer; broken relationships are an unfortunate result of addictive behavior.

The good news is, most damaged relationships can be repaired. Sure, it will take awhile to regain trust, establish healthy boundaries, and find healing with the people you hurt or wronged in your relationships, but it can be done. Knowing this may help you overcome at least a little bit of shame in the early days of sobriety, which can bring you some immediate relief.

Preparing To Offer A Sincere Apology

Most people who have been hurt by an addict want to have their feelings validated. They want the person who has harmed them to acknowledge what they did wrong, offer a sincere apology, right the wrong if at all possible, and never do the same thing again.

While your guilt may drive you to want to immediately run to the people you have harmed, throw yourselves at their feet, and beg for mercy; this is not a good idea. Apologizing is an art. It should not be taken lightly and you should not approach it as some insignificant opportunity to absolve yourself so you can feel better. It is a sacred chance to reestablish your credibility in the eyes of the people who matter to you.

There should be some preparation when you are getting ready to make an apology to people you have hurt. This often includes mailing a heartfelt letter to someone admitting what you did wrong and telling them how you plan to fix it. Or, it could involve you inviting someone out to a meal (with you picking up the check) and talking to them face-to-face. Apologizes should not be conducted over text, email, or social media.  

Make Amends To The People Who Matter Most

Making a true amends to someone is not just about saying the words “I am sorry”. It is about becoming willing to right whatever wrong you are guilty of. For example, if you stole money from someone, you should pay them back. If you caused damage to someone’s property, you should offer to reimburse them for it. It is important to recognize, though, that making a financial amends is actually rather easy. Matters of the heart are another thing altogether.

If you hurt someone in a way that cannot be measured in dollars and cents, you need to let the wronged person know that you would like to make amends to them. Tell them you don’t have the first idea about how to do that and ask them for guidance. They will surely offer it to you. They will tell you how you can help them heal.

Stay Committed To Living Life As The New You

The best apology you can make to someone you have harmed is changed behavior. If you keep repeating the same mistakes, the people in your life will stop trusting you altogether and they will lose faith in you. You don’t want that to happen. Stay on the right path and do the next right thing. This is the greatest way to heal broken relationships.

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The Art of The Apology: This is part-one of a two-part series.

When You Get Into Recovery, You May Have A Lot To Feel Sorry For

Usually, by the time you get into recovery for a substance abuse problem or behavioral addiction, you have done a lot of things you regret. You may have stolen to support your habit, lied to the people you love the most, cheated people in your business dealings, or made any number of other choices that were less than admirable. Addiction can cause you to violate the values you hold most dear in order to get more of whatever you are hooked on.

In fact, it is often the profound violation of personal values that drives people to get into recovery in the first place. Many people realize they need help because they become someone they no longer recognize when they were using drugs or alcohol, gambling excessively, shopping compulsively, or engaged in a sexual addiction. As much as they may have wanted to stop doing the “bad” things they were doing. They simply could not stop themselves because they did what they had to do to get the next fix.

If you have recently entered the recovery process, we want to congratulate you on your bold step toward a new life. Admitting that you need help requires great strength and courage. However; we recognize that you probably need a lot more than just a simple congratulations from us right now.

The Apology: After Months or Years of Dishonest Behavior, You May Feel Shame and Guilt

When you get sober, you might suddenly find that you are consumed with guilt over the things you did while you were addicted. This is very common for people who regain their sanity after being engaged in the insane cycle of addiction for a prolonged period of time. Being dishonest in your dealings with others for months or even years at a time may have left you feeling bad about yourself.

Although it may be uncomfortable, this is a good sign. When your brain chemistry experiences changes caused by addiction, you lose touch with your conscience. You can justify and rationalize all kinds of outlandish behavior in the name of going on a binge. No matter what your substance or behavior of choice might have been. However; when you sober up – it all comes crashing down around you.  

Feeling shame and guilt means you feel genuine remorse for the way you behaved in the past. You sincerely regret the way you treated people and you wish you could go back and make a different choice. Unfortunately, you know just as well as we do that you can’t change the past. What you can do is apologize for your mistakes both in words and in deed.

Be sure to read The Art of the Apology: Part Two

CLICK HERE to get a Free Confidential Addiction Treatment Assessment.