Category: Treatment

Recovery is in essence about learning to say no. You have to learn to say no to your former behaviors, former places, and many times, former friends. It can be hard to say no, especially when you feel like everything around you is changing and you just want to be part of something outside yourself. When in recovery you may start building a new life for yourself and as part of that you will probably take on new opportunities and jobs. However, there comes a point when you get so busy you cannot take on another job, but hesitate to say no.

This is common in recovery as you want to help people realize you are trying to change you life and people will push and push to see what you can handle before making a mistake. Unfortunately, this pushing you to keep taking on more can cause problems of its own. Many people feel compelled to agree to every request, even if this means no time for themselves. This is not uncommon and many in recovery feel this is a way to have people learn to trust them again. However, learning to say no can help you earn respect from those around you. We tend to keep saying yes because we think saying no is uncaring, selfish, or may lead to letting someone down. Some people may even fear being disliked, criticized, or risking a friendship. Being able to say no is actually linked with self confidence. Those with low self confidence tend to agonize or feel nervous about saying no to anyone.

Low self confidence is typical for those who have addictions. Unfortunately, saying yes all the time can leave you feeling exhausted, stressed, and irritable. Feeling this way can have negative consequences. So how do you say no? Read on to learn effective ways to say no to those you know.

Keep your response simple and firm. This does not mean be mean but let your position be known and move on. If no is not working then buy yourself some time with “I’ll think about it and let you know”. This allows you time to think or truly see if you want to do what is asked. If not then say no with confidence. Consider a compromise if you really want to help. This can be accomplished by seeing what can fit into your schedule within reason. Remember it is important to help others, but equally important to take care of yourself. Separate refusal from rejection by remembering you are turning down a request not the actual person. Everyone has to say no at some point. This does not mean the person will hate you or that you are a bad person, you are simply saying no to a single request. Do not feel guilty for saying no to anyone, including your children. It is important for everyone to hear no on occasion as it sets boundaries.

Finally, be true to yourself and what you want. If someone asks you to do something you are not interested in then feel free to say no. People have different goals, wants, needs, and interests, you have the right to refuse. Now that you have the tools, practice using them.

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There are times in life when we must all speak up for what is needed or desired. Some things may be for the betterment of others, but it is more likely that we need our own desires met. How you speak up in these times can determine how seriously people take you, especially when emotions are running high. This means you need to learn to speak up and share your point without emotion. This can be a challenge as taking a stand can be a highly emotional experience. You may be standing up to someone for the first time, taking an unpopular stance, or simply standing up for something you would have allowed prior to this moment. People may think you are kidding or refuse to listen to your beliefs unless you approach things in the correct way.

This is important during recovery because adding stress to an already stressful situation can cause a relapse. So if you need to speak up and take a stand than try the following suggestions.

First, try to stay calm, yet forceful. This means you are not trying to force people to see your point of view, but to simply see what you are thinking and feeling. You need to be a revolutionary, not a warrior. If you start to try to force people to see your point of view then strong emotions will come out on both sides and an argument is likely to erupt.  Being a revolutionary means trying to show people your vision through valid reasoning and a clearly laid out plan.

Compose your statements well. Use ‘I’ statements. This means that you are speaking for yourself, your opinions, and your thoughts. A statement such as ‘I no longer want to party every weekend’ is more effective than partying is stupid. A better statement is ‘I do not want to party every weekend because I am trying to change my life, but we can have fun in healthier ways.’ This way you are giving the other person a way to still hang out while validating your own choices. You are also not attacking the other person’s choices, but also not allowing them in your life.

To further your thoughts and feelings you should summarize your backstory as a way to show reasoning. Perhaps you are an addict and your life has been falling apart due to drug use. Share a few specific examples to demonstrate you have thought through your position. This is a way to explain what led you to this specific moment. Additionally, paint a picture of the desired outcome for others to see. If you can paint a picture it may allow others to come to your way of thinking. With this you should also declare your expectations to show that you have thought this through. Share any concerns, pitfalls, and steps you plan to take along the way.

As with any plan you are likely to need to compromise in some way. Know what you are willing to compromise on before sharing your needs. In recovery this may mean not being around certain people or staying away from certain places, but remaining friends with people if they are not using around you.

Most of all, when speaking up for yourself, stay calm and stay on track. Do not get distracted by the people that want to argue, just ignore them. If you are prepared ahead of time, even if you need to practice what you are going to say, then you are more likely to earn a positive outcome overall. If not then you may need to move away from the situation permanently.

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Personal Conflict in Recovery – Personal conflict is a part of life, whether we want to face it or not. When in recovery the times personal conflict occurs can create a great deal of stress for the individual. There are two types of people that appear when something uncomfortable happens, those who fight the uncomfortable and those who face it. Both people believe what they are doing is right, but the reactions are very different. Those who fight it are always hating, hiding, and blaming. These individuals can make themselves miserable when changes occur. No matter the change you must deal with it and it is best to face it with a positive attitude. Those who face the uncomfortable learn to get comfortable with it. These individuals learn to handle any situation by trying to make the best of it. So how do you become the person that handles the uncomfortable more comfortable?

Learn to be patient, even when it is uncomfortable. Life is painfully uncomfortable, that is an unfortunate fact of life, but there are things you can do. The universal root of uncomfortable is the universal truth of rejection. Some people will like you, some will not. You must be willing to face the truth head on through all those people, places, and things no matter the feelings. When you feel out of control or uncomfortable turn to the people that are in your corner. There are always people in your corner whether you have to ask, volunteer, or pay someone like a counselor. Having these people and a place in which you really feel supported and loved is important to learning how to be comfortable with the uncomfortable.

When you do find yourself in an uncomfortable position, talk about the things that make you uncomfortable. Just start with one person and let it grow to others. This will help you stay more comfortable or get more comfortable with what is bothering you. This can also lead you to find others who may feel the same way or who have overcome such feelings. So now the question becomes who are your people? Where are your places? And are you patient enough to get there?

Whether you are the type of person who dreads the uncomfortable or the type that embraces it you can determine how you handle any given situation. You are in control of yourself and how you react to all that happens. Recovery offers you a chance to start life over. How do you want to start your new life, ready to take on the world or afraid of what may happen? The choice really is yours.

You have made the decision to enter into recovery or at the most you are trying to figure out if you want to enter that part of your life. Once you make the decision then you can also make the necessary changes as needed. What is the first thing you would choose to change if you could change anything about your future tomorrow? Whatever your answer, hold tight to it and get ready to make that change. Set your goals and move forward in your recovery as soon as you can.

CLICK HERE to get a Free Confidential Addiction Rehabilitation Assessment.